Is coming back even possible?
by munro40
Summary: After the first episodes of the 8th season I tried to answer myself, if they should be toghether at all or they are better off without each other?
1. Chapter 1

It's been 4 months since Beckett last saw Castle in precinct. First two-three months after her self-imposed exile from the loft in particular and her husband's life in general Castle was being Castle. He constantly wormed himself into 12th precinct's investigations, finding every possible and impossible way to be near her, to find answers as to why she left him and make her come back. He was not as helpful, as usual in breaking the cases though. Beckett knew that it was because his mind was not really much into the mysteries themselves. He was focused instead on finding the answers to her unexpected behavior – she indeed left him right after they told each other not to hold anymore secrets and went on the justice quest to bring down the Locksat, mysterious organization, that was behind murder of her former team at AG office and she felt herself compelled to bring justice for them and didn't think that anybody other could or would do it. At first, Castle was even able to garner some help from Esposito, Ryan and Lanie in keeping him in the loop of the ongoing cases and Beckett's whereabouts during some of them. It was both cute and heartbreaking at the same time, to see him doing all the funny, clumsy and stupid tricks to make her see that they are always better, when they are together; but it was making everything for her harder. She didn't like being away from him any more, than he did. She just couldn't tell him anything about Locksat, because he would, undoubtedly, want to help her, protect her, and it could get himself and his family in danger and it was the last thing that Beckett wanted for her husband, stepdaughter and mother-in-law. She couldn't also just drop the investigation, because that's not how she was built. Her sharp sense of justice, her desire to find the truth and make the perpetrators pay for their deeds, inability to give up, when everybody else has already left the wagon wouldn't let her stay in peace. Castle himself called her extraordinary on numerous occasions for these same qualities. Sure he would understand, once she will be able to tell him everything after the end of her investigation. It won't be easy and it won't be quick, but Beckett hasn't held any doubt that eventually Castle will forgive her and take back once the truth will be disclosed.

But, with Castle regularly in the precinct she couldn't focus on her off-page investigation. She feared that he could get a hold of it, if he was near while she investigated. Besides, she missed him as well and seeing him, but not being able to give a way to her feelings and needs was taking a toll on her. She also had to run interference several times between Castle and Vikram. It looked, that Castle suspected him in having a hand in Beckett's removal from his life, so he couldn't bear seeing Vikram with Beckett and was constantly trying to get a ruse from the newly accepted tech assistant of the 12th precinct. It didn't help, that Espo and Ryan also didn't like Vikram and were covertly taking Castle's side in those disagreements. So, at some point she told them in a no nonsense way, that they are helping nobody in letting Castle to the precinct and their cases and that she will transfer them to some tedious and unpleasant arrangements, if they would continue doing it. She was crossing some lines there and power abuse was definitely present in her orders, but she couldn't find any other ways to accomplish her mission, if Castle still was present at the precinct. Detectives were not happy with her and that conversation brought some tension between them and Beckett, but it was far better, that dealing with Castle. From that day Castle was slowly been pushed to the curb by all of them. Of course, he didn't give up easily, he continued to show up on occasions. Beckett knew, that he tried to talk and even bribe a bit the Detectives and the medical examiner; fortunately, they didn't bend, fearing Beckett's wrath and thinking, that Castle might have done something wrong, thus deserving such an attitude from their Captain.

Castle still resisted several weeks more, but his visits and calls became less and less regular, until he finally quit. Beckett couldn't pinpoint the exact moment he stopped, but she was relieved, when a week passed with no call or visits from her husband. She got engrossed in her investigation, simultaneously running the precinct with no side distractions. After a month she run out of clothes and needed to visit the loft to pick more of her stuff. When she called Castle to ask, if she can stop by to replenish her wardrobe, Castle was cordial, if a little distant. When she knocked the door of the loft at the arranged time, nobody opened, so she used her own key. The loft was empty and it was a little disconcerting. She quickly took everything she needed, including one of the Castle shirts and leaving one of her own for him, just as she did it the last time.

During next several weeks there were still no communication from Castle and she started to worry. Beckett began to peruse social media and newspapers' 6th pages to see, if she can find anything relating to Castle that might help her understand, if there is something going on with her husband. Surprisingly she came out empty, as there weren't any mentions about Castle. It was a little strange, because even after their marriage Castle was quite a regular guest of galas, charities and events, which were held in NY almost every day. It's funny, she thought, how she did everything to push him away to be able to focus on her investigation and now, when she got what she wanted, she hoped that he would disobey her, as per usual and would start annoying her by trying to reach out to her. She waited a bit more, so her excuse of running out of clothes wouldn't get old or suspicious and called her husband again for the second time in three months. Again, as the last time, Castle was quite forthcoming and assured her, that she is welcome to come and pick up everything she needed. That day Beckett went to the loft two hours earlier that they agreed, hoping to catch Castle home and she was quite disappointed to find the loft empty again. She couldn't figure out, if Alexis and Martha weren't eager to see her on their own or that was Castle's doing and he had asked them to leave the loft for the time of her visit. She still wanted to leave him one of her shirts, when she noticed, that the shirt she has left the last time was laid on her side of the bed, just as she left it, quite visibly untouched. It was painful to see, that Castle didn't need or didn't want to find solace in her scent, while she was away and unavailable, as she did during all these nights alone in a bed in some second level motel.

This finding, along with another dead end in her investigation with Vikram on mysterious Locksat operation started weighing hard on her. She couldn't bring herself to invest fully in the investigation. Restrained relations with Espo and Ryan weren't helping the matter as well. She couldn't turn to her dad, because she couldn't see the way to explain everything to him and not telling anything about her off the book activities.

With the Thanksgiving Day approaching, Beckett hoped that she would receive an invitation from her husband to a feast dinner which was a must thing in the Castle household. There was no way that Castles would skip such an important celebration which Rick, usually, started to plan in October. Alarmingly, that day came and passed with no calls from any member of her family and she had to celebrate it in the precinct with Vikram and on duty officers with frozen turkey sandwiches from the nearest supermarket. Not bothering about the excuse anymore, she called Castle the next day to check how he was doing and whether they were celebrating Thanksgiving without her. Castle calmly told her, that neither he nor Martha or Alexis wanted anything big this year, so they just drove to Hamptons and had a dinner in their beach house with no guests, just the three of them. When Beckett asked, if everything was fine with him, Castle said, that he is doing OK and that he is pretty busy with writing and his PI business. Except the occasional "how are you" Castle hasn't asked anything else about Beckett and her intention to come home anytime soon. Not knowing what else to ask without starting a serious conversation over the phone Beckett ended the call, wishing her husband good luck.

Now, 6 months from the day she walked out on Castle and 4 months from the day she has last seen him in person, on the day of the first anniversary of their wedding, with no invitation from Rick to celebrate it, she stood before the door of their loft, desperately wanting to find out what's going on with her husband and with intention to mend their relationship, before it would be too late and irreversible. She knocked on the door, but the loud music coming from the loft made it clear, that it was impossible for anybody inside to hear the knock, so she used her key and entered the loft.


	2. Chapter 2

From the first glance, the loft was a mess. The TV was on airing some old British humor show. There was a wine bottle and a half-empty glass on the table near the sofa in the living room with a huge bowl of popcorn. Several loops were hanging from the ceiling on various heights. Loud rock music was coming, apparently, from the powerful dynamics, that Rick has installed in his office. Countertop in the kitchen was full with bottles of beer and tequila and delivery boxes of pizza and other takeout food. Seeing it all Beckett remembered, that she hasn't eaten from the morning and her stomach grumbled in anticipation.

Just when Beckett decided to move in the direction of the office to find out where everybody is, a small black helicopter flew out of the office in the direction of the loops. Trailing after the helicopter, Rick appeared from the office, totally engrossed in airborne operation and not looking anywhere else. He was limping on his right leg and had several scars on both arms and his face. His head was hid with a black balaclava and he was wearing black shorts and T-shirt. It was obvious, that Castle was slightly inebriated as he wasn't walking steady and straight. It looked like he was trying to fly the helicopter through all the loops hanging from the ceiling and he was doing it quite in style until he stumbled on his right leg, right before the last loop and helicopter lurched to the right, hitting Martha's vase from the shelf and sending it all the way down to the floor. "Mayday, mayday" shouted Rick, while trying to lunge forward and catch the vase before the crash, but with his leg and in his condition he was couple of seconds late. "Houston, it's Condor. We've been hit by enemy fire. Please, send in the rescue team" muttered Castle, before crashing to the floor, next to the broken vase and dropping the remote from his hands. At that same time music has ended and Beckett's gasp was heard loudly and clearly in the quiet loft. Startled from the noise, panicking Castle began climbing to his feet, simultaneously apologizing "Mother, it's not what you think. I can explain.." before he finally saw, who was standing in front of him and saying with a sigh of relief: "Thanks God it's you, Beckett. Mother would have grounded me for ages, if she would be the witness of this unfortunate accident".

Beckett couldn't comprehend anything and was speechless for several seconds and then, true to their manner, they both spoke at the same time:

"What's going on here?" asked Beckett, while Castle said "What are you doing here?'. And then, after a pause "OK, you first" said both of them, which elicited small smiles on their faces. The music began again and Castle excused himself to go to the office and turn off the dynamics. When he reappeared, they both seemed to be more calm and better prepared for their first face-to-face encounter in months.

"Want anything to eat or drink?' asked Castle going in the direction of the kitchen and taking couple of swigs from the open beer bottle. "Sure", answered Beckett, joining him in the kitchen and opening another bottle of beer for herself. "So, what's up, Beckett. Need more clothes or this is a social visit?" asked Castle, finishing his bottle. While his tone wasn't really harsh, it still sounded a bit provoking, like he was trying to say it matter-of-factly, like he wasn't speaking to his wife, whom he hadn't seen in months. It irritated Kate and despite her previous intention to show restrain and stay calm during the conversation she answered rather angrily: "What, I can't come to my home anymore without any agenda?'. "Of course you can, Beckett. It's just that you phoned beforehand previously, so I was wondering where is this sudden change coming from" Rick replied calmly. Deciding to stay in the same calm line, Beckett reigned in her emotions and answered more warmly and suggestively: "Well, it is the day of our anniversary. With no call from you I wanted to check, if you would like us to celebrate it together".

"And you couldn't call to see, if I'm not busy and if I would like to jump on the chance?'

"I was thinking about it, but decided to make it rather a surprise visit".

"I must tell you, Beckett, it is a surprise indeed".

"A good one or a bad one?" asked Kate tentatively.

"I'm not sure", Castle slowly replied. "It's definitely not how I planned to spend this day".

"And what exactly your plans included" inquired Beckett nervously, wanting to hear just how far she had let him go astray in these months. But, before Castle could reply, his phone rang.

"Sorry", said Castle, sweeping the button and answering the call.


	3. Chapter 3

**My apologies:**

 **1\. For big paragraphs. I have got couple of gentle slaps for that. I'll try to control it from now on.**

 **2\. For not following the time canon (Castle's out of precinct, then 6 months, then anniversary). It's not really important to me, but it was important for Castle to have some time to assemble himself.**

"Hey, Angie" Castle greeted cheerfully the person on the other side of the phone and the unfamiliar name peaked Beckett's interest, so she settled on the stool, preparing to hear the one-sided conversation her husband was having.

Unaffected by it, Castle continued his talk: "Yeah, I'm sorry for not showing on time. I have prepared everything – most importantly the booze – but something came up." After a pause, "Sure, we are still on, but it will be later, than we have planned. Is it OK, if I call you couple of hours later and then you are going to beg for forgiveness, which you will never be granted".

He chuckled while listening to the objections from mysterious Angie: "You do know that I was born with a joystick in my hands, right? I'd say, that we raise the bets, but it won't be fair to you". His face then morphed into the grimace of disbelief: "Really? Oh, you are so on Satan in Blue. And consider yourself warned". Then he continued more friendly: "No, nothing serious, just a little malfunction in the air." And then horror seeped into his features: "Oh, shoot, thanks for reminding. I've gotta go. Will call you around 8". With that he disconnected the call and shouted in the direction of the office: "Lucy, can you check nearby antique shops. I need to replace the vase before mother comes back. Otherwise she'll make my life hell for months."

"Sure" female voice answered, "I'll see what I can do"

Senses were coming back to Beckett, who sat there flabbergasted and not being able to utter a word. Anger and indignation raised inside of her. "What the hell, Castle?" she inquired, standing up from the stool. "All this time there was a woman in your bedroom? And you were planning to bring another one later to celebrate our anniversary? Is this some kind of groupies fiesta?"

Castle tried to stop her: "No, not really"

"Then what is it? I spend my nights alone in some third degree motel to speed everything up and be able to come back to you and you are reversing to your old styles? When I asked you to wait I didn't mean this kind of waiting"

"It's enough, Beckett", interjected her rant Castle. "You are going out of line. You should stop, before it will get ugly".

"I'm out of lines? Really? Then how you can explain all of this?"

"Easily. But I'm not very inclined to do it. At least, not until you do. Or you have forgotten that it was you who brought all of these on us?"

"I can't talk about anything, while there is another person in your office. Who is Lucy?"

"OK, I can explain Lucy. She is my personal assistant and she was very helpful.."

"Helpful?" Beckett's voice raised an octave, "don't use that word in regard to another women in our home or I.."

"Oh my, this isn't even funny anymore" said Castle, trying to keep a straight face: "Lucy, can you tell me the exact height of Everest and the current temperature in Omaha?".

"Sure thing, Richard" the mysterious voice replied, "Everest is 8848 meters high above the sea and it is 46 degrees in Omaha. And try not to delay me anymore from the vase searching, if you don't want to rot in hell."

"Lucy is a machine" said Castle to Beckett's puzzled look, "so she is very helpful, for the lack of better words, in my researches".

"I'm sorry", mumbled slightly embarrassed, yet not completely relieved Beckett, "but who is Angie? She is a human, right? With hands and legs, I suppose"

"Yes, she is" replied Castle, "and I'll bite this time as well. But after this it will be your turn to explain yourself".

Taking a shot of tequila and following it with a beer Castle continued: "Angie is a friend. Actually, she was a client at first, but then.."

"Oh, come on Castle, are you doing it on purpose?" interjected Beckett, "first there was helpful and now a client? Are you trying to pull my leg?"

"I don't see how else to describe it, Beckett" interrupted her Castle, "Are you going to listen or what? She suspected her husband in infidelity and paid us to prove or refute it. Unfortunately it appeared later, that cheating wasn't his worst vice. He also planned to stage an accident with her, so he would the insurance as well us her share in their company. You would be surprised to hear, that I wasn't as sneaky as usual, when I tried to record his conversation with future killer and had to use my vast arsenal of avoiding techniques when the bastard tried to run his car all over me."

Levity in his voice did nothing to help Beckett in trying to hide her fear and anxiety: "What did you do, Castle? How have you escaped?"

"Well, I jumped, of course. In the nearest drain hole. I slightly miscalculated the height and the zeal of our city's communal services, though, and ended up with a broken leg and couple of scratches. Fortunately, Hayley was backing me up, so they didn't have time for the second attempt and tried to run away. Long story short, they've got their sentences, I've got an electric blue cast and Angie's got freedom. And a lot of money".

Something ticked in Beckett's memory: "You mean Angie, as in Angela and Arthur Thompsons? Catering business gurus? His trial was, like, two months ago."

"Yep", confirmed Castle, "that's her".

"Two months, Castle?" inquired Beckett. "How come I didn't know? Weren't you taken to hospital?"  
"Of course I was", replied Castle, "though I don't remember much how I got there. I was a bit of unconscious at the moment".

"Then they are supposed to call next of kin. Why I wasn't contacted?"

"I didn't want them to" said Castle, finishing his beer and opening another bottle.

"How could you not want them to, if you were unconscious at the time?" recalled Beckett. "It must have been Hayley, that told them not to" she continued, "Still, she isn't next of kin, so they wouldn't listen to her. Then, why.."

"Could you stop with your deductions, Captain?" asked Castle, "they didn't contact you, because I removed you from my medical emergencies papers earlier".

"Why? When?" worried Beckett inquired, "What else did happen to you?"

"Nothing else, really', Castle replied, "just one day I almost stepped into the empty shaft – some elevator malfunction, I guess – and it got me thinking what would have happened, if I really didn't pay attention and stepped in. Or if I have got poisoned eating hotdogs from that lousy stand near our office… It reminds me, I should really stop buying any food from them, cause I have an impression, that they add.."

"Castle!?"

"Yeah, sorry, got a little distracted. Anyway, I thought about the scenarios, if something happened to me and you will get a call"

Beckett was getting an impression too. An impression, that she doesn't have any influence on the ongoing conversation and she just have to go with the flow. She didn't like it all, while Castle seemed very calm and his element. Still, she bit:

"And what were those scenarios?"

"Well, the first was that you wouldn't come, because you will be too busy or you will still be figuring your stuff'.

"You know that that's not true, Castle. I would've come in a beat".

"Yes, I know, Beckett" answered Castle heartily. "Still, it would be a huge embarrassment for both of us, if you didn't".

He paused and finished his bottle in one swallow. Beckett repeated the gesture and they both opened another bottles for themselves, filling in their tequila shots as well.

"This brings us to another scenario", continued Castle with a sigh, "they call and you show up".

"Why is it a bad thing?" asked Beckett

"Because you would have either nourished me to health and disappeared again – and I don't need a nurse for an hour, I can hire them myself. Not mentioning mother and Alexis. They wouldn't even let me to pick up a fork. Or you would have stayed afterwards, but it would have been out of obligation and your unresolved issues would have come back at another time and in another form. Quite frankly, I wouldn't wish that for any of us. So, I have decided to save us from these lose-lose scenarios and withdrew your name from my medical papers".

Beckett was completely aware, that this is her moment to turn the conversation in her favor, to object and bring million of reasons, why his decision was wrong and why he shouldn't decide for her, what she would or wouldn't do in different circumstances, but she also was clearly understanding, how it can easily backfire. It looked, that Castle was perfectly aware of the fact, that lack of objections from her side meant that he nailed their current relationship completely accurate and more silence will only fuel his confidence that he is right, so she decided to go with an easier topic and win herself some time.

"So, how Angie.. I mean, Angela, fits into this story?"

Funny, Beckett thought, how reversing to another woman can be a safer bet, when talking to her husband.

"Well, Angie felt herself responsible for what happened to me", answered Castle, not paying attention to Beckett's irritation when he called his former client by short name, "and she visited me several times in the hospital. I told her numerous times, that it's not necessary. After all, adventures and danger are part of the job, right? But she was unrelenting. Anyway, we talked a lot. And the funny part – today is her wedding anniversary as well. Though, she beat me here, it's her third anniversary. From the other hand, her husband was trying to kill her; thus, we concluded it a draw. We even contemplated the idea of founding a club. "Anniversary gone wrong" or "Anniversaries from hell".

The verbal attack was taking its toll on Beckett. Though, Castle wasn't trying to belittle her – looked like he was just him, big boy with a favorite toy – it still felt that she was delegated to a peanut gallery, not given a chance to intervene and she was not used it. Especially, when talking to her husband one-on-one.

"And you, two single souls, decided to celebrate your anniversaries together, with lot of alcohol and entertainment? Why she is not already here?" she asked sharply.

"Because that's not how mockiversaries are celebrated, Beckett", answered Castle happily.

"A what now, Castle?" started Becket and continued on his provoking look: "Really? Mock anniversary?"

"Yep!"

"And what does this mockiversary celebration include?"

"As you said – booze and entertainment. I have wine and popcorn for TV and movies. I have beer, tequila and nachos for operating KFOs and UFOs. And I have a bottle of good old whiskey in the office for an epic online battle with a nerd friend. She says she's a pro, but what kind of nick is Satan in Blue anyway? Never saw or heard such a thing. I'm so going to kick her ass".


	4. Chapter 4

**My apologies (continued):**

 **3\. For grammar mistakes and the fact that several words were missing in the sentences (mostly in the third chapter). I will work on it.**

They sat several minutes in silence after that. Both were engrossed in their thoughts and were contemplating where to take the conversation next. Before any of them came to a conclusion, Beckett's stomach grumbled again.

"Come on, Beckett", chuckled Castle, "let's eat. I bet you skipped the lunch. We need some sustenance, because I definitely would like to continue on with drinking".

Beckett grabbed a plate from the shelf and served herself several slices of cold pizza and some nachos.

"And what you and Angela do, when you are not celebrating your anniversaries separately"?

"We talk" replied Castle simply.

"Like comparing notes?"

"Among other things. I knew everything about her marriage, so it was fair to tell her about some part of mine."

"That's all you did? Just talked? Didn't you try to comfort each other in other ways?"

"Seriously, Beckett, you should stop trying to insult me" said Castle, finishing his slice of pizza in one bite and making couple of gulps from his beer, "I'm still married, if only on the papers at the moment. You should have known me better than that."

"I'm sorry, Castle, but what should I have thought?" inquired Beckett, "I'm coming here on our anniversary to celebrate it together and try to find the way back to each other and here you are – drunk, speaking to random women, if we count Lucy, with attitude bordering on ignorance towards me. Like you've seen me so many times recently that you have got tired of me".

"Then tell me what changed, Beckett" asked Castle, "and why are you here? You have worked out all your problems and are ready to come back?"

Beckett weighed her options. She has thought about different directions of were the conversation would go before coming to the loft. She has also decided about what information to reveal and what to withhold in different scenarios, but she wasn't actually prepared to this turn of events. She wasn't keen to dive in uncharted waters without proper preparations and backup plan, but it looked like she had no other choice, but to tell the truth, the whole truth and see were it would bring them.

"I'll tell you what's changed, Castle, but let's relocate to the living room first. I'm tired and these stools aren't very comfortable for long sittings. And grab the tequila, please, I don't think wine will do for this conversation".

After she slipped off her shoes and settled in the armchair, with Castle sitting on the sofa with his legs propped on the table, she continued.

"As I said that day, it has nothing to do with you. You didn't do anything wrong. I just knew that Loksat is not dead and that the prosecutor's suicide was just a setup to cover the leads. Which meant, that the person responsible for my former team's, Bracken's and, ultimately, my mother's deaths is very much alive and operating in full scale. I just couldn't let him or her go and I had to find the justice for all of them. For all of us. I also clearly knew, that it is very dangerous and I couldn't drug you, our family and our friends in it. That's why I had to leave and didn't tell anything to anybody, so you all would have been spared, if things went south."

Beckett wasn't looking at her husband, when she revealed all the secrets she had hid for all this months, saying everything in one breath, so he wouldn't interrupt her and not looking forward to see his reaction, but when nothing came from his side after she has finished the most dreadful part of her story she raised her head to see his face. Surprisingly, he didn't show anything she has expected from him – no anger, disbelief or fury was etched in his features. It looked as he was just waiting for her to continue and it was scarier, than any other reactions she was waiting from him.

'I don't understand, Castle", Beckett started, but then it dawned on her. "Wait, you knew this?"

After his positive nod she continued nonplussed, "But when? And how did you find out?"

"That's not important at the moment, Beckett", Castle replied, "you still haven't answered me. What changed? Have you found the Loksat?"

"No, not yet" answered Beckett automatically, still not comprehending anything that was going on.

"Then why are you here?" continued his inquiry Castle, "did you just came to spend the anniversary together, so you could go back tomorrow to chasing down the Loksat?"

Well, isn't it a million dollar question, Beckett thought. She had a clear answer for herself on that; but it was before she entered the loft. Now she wasn't sure of anything.

"I can't just let it go, Castle. Nobody is looking in the Loksat and if I won't pursue it, then all their deaths will be for nothing. Their deaths are on me, because of the inquiry I've left and I can't let them down. But I can't keep living like this either. It costs me too much".

Her sincere reply had yet to leave much effect on Castle, though.

"Then tell me this, Beckett. How much of it you were planning to reveal to me, if the situation was different? Say, if you found me today pining over you and being overjoyed that I can spend several hours with you? Or if I was having simple dinner with mother and Alexis and we all would have been glad that you joined us? Would you have told me everything, as you did now?"

The time that has passed after his question (several seconds, actually) was an answer in itself.


	5. Chapter 5

"That's what I thought", said Castle after a pause, when Beckett didn't attempt to utter a word in her defense. "Then, again, why wouldn't you want to play something as significant as this close to your chest? And, I have to admit, that it is my fault either, as much as it is yours".

"How do you mean?" asked Beckett, swimming out of her musings about the disastrous turn the evening was making.

"Let's see" began Castle, "In all the previous similar.. ahm, let me use the word cases, that we had during our relationship, how did it go? You hid something from me, then it came to light, either intentionally or by accident, and I was glad to accept you back after you explained yourself. I couldn't even stay mad at you for a significant amount of time. I was just really happy, that we are together and the sky is clear again. It's like psychological positive reinforcement time after time, again and again. Why would you think, that this time is any different?"

Castle paused, looking straight into her eyes.

"I'm not sure, Castle", replied Beckett slowly, "You make it sound like I'm some self-absorbed and not caring bitch, that always keeps you as some sort of backup plan."

Castle refilled their glasses, drunk his part and continued.

"I'm not saying that you do it intentionally. But, most likely, you do have it somewhere in the back of your mind, that there will be no extraordinary reaction from my side, when everything comes out. And again, I can't really hold it too strongly against you, because I didn't give you any reason to think otherwise".

"So, what's your point?" asked Beckett, feeling that it was the first time during the evening, that tension began to ease and some hope about their future raised its head. Unfortunately, it was quickly dashed by Castle's next question.

"Nothing more or less, than I have already said. We both are at fault here. But here is another question. What would you do, if you were 100% sure, that there will be no coming back, after you left me that day?"

Beckett contemplated the question. What she would really do, if that's was the case.

Castle continued: "I'm not saying about giving you an ultimatum – walk out of that door and we are over. I have no doubts, that you wouldn't stay and it would have been the end of us. I'm saying about your thoughts, when you were packing your stuff in our bedroom and I was making smorlettes in the kitchen. If at the time you deep down knew, that it will be the end, would have you still packed your clothes and walked out on me or you would have stayed and tried a different approach to the Loksat issue?"

Again the silence ensued in the room. Beckett honestly didn't know what she would do and it scared crap out of her. Was she really that self-destructive to irrevocably ruin her relationship with the best person in her life, only to go down the rabbit hole, that didn't bring any happiness to her in the past, just the title of the best professional in her line of duty and pretty dull personal life.

"Huge part of me screams no, Castle" she replied honestly, "that I wouldn't do that to us and that I would have stayed. But there is also this tiny part that says that I wouldn't be completely happy, that I couldn't live in peace, if I let it go. At some point, that part could grow to the point, where I will start to blame you for breaking my spirits and making me feel that I've broken the principles I've lived by my whole adult life".

"You should know that I wouldn't do that to you, Beckett. I didn't call you extraordinary for not letting go just for the kick of it. I truly consider you extraordinary and the best in what you do. That's what made me to fall in love you in the first place. But inability to think straight and stubbornness aren't extraordinary qualities. It's weakness and it should be dealt with, before it's too late".

Indignation and fury bubbled from the Beckett instantly:

"Did you just call me unprofessional idiot, Castle? You think I can't do my job properly?"

"I would say, that this reaction of yours is unexpected", replied Castle easily, "but is, unfortunately, not. I didn't say such a thing. In fact, I called you extraordinary and best couple of seconds ago and I can repeat it again and again until I'm blue in the face."

"Than what are you saying?"

"I'm saying, that you keep your head cool and focused, when it relates to others. But when it is connected to you personally, you are often losing that ability, which can be fatal in your line of duty".

"How so?"

"Well, let's see" offered Castle.


	6. Chapter 6

"You have deduced that Loksat is very much alive; you felt that you owe it to your former team at AG office to bring justice for them; you knew that this pursuit is extremely dangerous not just for you, but for everybody around you, that's why you abandoned your family and left your precinct's team in the dark, so we all wouldn't be caught in crossfire, if things went south," started Castle. "Am I right in getting the idea in general?"

"Yes" replied Beckett crossly, "you nailed the gist of it pretty straight".

"Then let's start with both possibilities of this matter: Loksat is non the wiser about the ongoing investigation till the successful end and Loksat learns about your desire to bring them down."

"Sure, why not?" replied Beckett, deciding to play along.

"Door one – non the wiser. Have you thought about how long it might take you to bring them down?"

"Of course I had," answered Beckett, "I thought about it more, than I care to admit, actually, because there is nothing more I want than to come back to you, when it will be safe for all of us".

"Okay" continued Castle, "so, what were your approximate calculations? Several months.. a year… until the next Republican president-elect?"

"Definitely, no" said Beckett, "I assumed it will be resolved more quickly. Several months, may be".

"And on what evidence you were basing that assumption, Beckett?" implored Castle. "We are talking here about an organization that might have connections in White House, Senate, Congress and all the possible law enforcement agencies. How can two people, however brilliant they are, get a hold on them in such a short period of time? If ever.."

"And what do you suggest, Castle?" asked Beckett angrily, "I should just forget it and let them continue to bring chaos and disaster to people's lives?"

"That's for you to decide, Beckett", answered Castle, "I'm just helping you here to see the whole picture. Have you put any timeframe to your investigation? Have told yourself, that if I'm not any closer to finding them in a month or in a year or in two, then I should stop this and reconsider my actions?"

"Yes, I did" was Beckett's response, "if I didn't get any break in a year, then I promised myself to stop the investigation".

"But why would you stop it after a year and so much effort that you put in it?"

"What do you mean, why?" wondered Beckett, "Because I wouldn't want to spend rest of my life chasing shadows. Because I want to come back and have a future with you I've always dreamt about".

"Now you do sound like a self-absorbed bitch" countered Castle good-heartily, "Why would I wait for you one year and be eager to take you back?"

"Because I love you. Because you love me. Because we promised each other always, didn't we?" inquired Beckett with much more confidence, that she felt at the moment.

"I do love you, Beckett" answered Castle, "but these promises of always can not be kept only from one side. Anyway, let's proceed further with our case-making and assume that you have succeeded and arrested Loksat."

"I will drink to that" offered Beckett, not feeling very comfortable after Castle's poorly hidden accusation of their relationship being one-sided. His nonchalance and lack of emotion, when saying it, only added to her discomfort.

"Amen" agreed Castle, clinked his glass to hers and downed his eight or ninth shot of tequila.

"Why do you think" continued Castle undeterred, "that it will be the end of it? What if you won't be able to catch all of the ranks of the organization and the escaped ones will come back after you? Or what if Loksat is a part of some international ring"

"I never thought about that", answered Beckett honestly, "my primary goal is to bring down the Loksat and I haven't thought further than that".

"Then I'll ask again, why?" proceeded Castle, "every time you catch someone connected to your mother's murder it appears to be another level above him. Coonan, Bracken, Loksat. Would it be really that surprising if you find out, that the real perpetrators are sipping wine in some chateau in Alps, even after you arrest Loksat?"

"With your line of thinking I should quit my job whatsoever, because it doesn't matter how many murderers we catch, there will be new deaths everyday and what we do can be considered pointless".

"That's absolutely not what I meant", replied Castle, "Your job is very important for this city and its people. Catching murderers prevent them from making even more people suffer, it brings justice to the relatives of the victims, it stops a lot of potential wrongdoers from committing crime, because they know, that they will get caught."

"Then what is this about?"

"Is there some line that you are not ready or willing to cross? What would you do, if it appeared that there are, indeed, people above Loksat? Wouldn't it be logical for you to run after them, because Loksat didn't appear to be the ultimate perpetrator? Or what if you jailed Loksat and city gangs, Mexican, Colombian and God knows what else cartels would rush to the streets to occupy the drug market that belonged formerly to Loksat? It can be a war with a lot of casualties, may be, among civilians too. Wouldn't you feel responsible for it too?"

"What's your point, Castle" lashed out Beckett, whose patience began to run thin, "Of course I would, why wouldn't I?"

"Nothing yet, Beckett" said Castle, "We are just running down possible imaginary scenarios and, I believe, it's time for the door number two. But I'd like to pause for a bathroom visit first".


	7. Chapter 7

When Castle returned from the bathroom, he was finishing a conversation over the phone: "Again, sorry for standing you up. I will call you once I will be ready for the game."

"Was that Angela?" asked Beckett

"Yes, two hours just flew by, so I have to warn her, that I have to postpone our online meeting again".

"Do you want me to leave? I wouldn't want to interfere with your festive plans" suggested Beckett with venom in her voice.

"I've already told Angie, that I will be late. But it's up to you, Beckett. You can leave and we will finish our conversation another day. Or you can stay and we will get over it today" Castle replied in stride, not showing any discomfort to her reaction.

"And which one you would prefer?"

"As I said earlier, I didn't want to have this conversation today. I'd rather spend it the way I have planned. But, since we have already started, I don't see much logic to leave it unfinished. Still, if you want to go, then we will resume it another day".

Nothing seemed to rattle off her husband and Beckett wasn't acquainted to this version of him. She was scared that she can't find any semblance to the spontaneous, emotional and heart on his sleeve man she came to admire and love during all this eight years.  
"No, you are right, it will be better, if we could finish our conversation today"

"Okay," agreed Castle easily. "I recall, that we were standing before the door number two – Loksat learns that you are investigating them. What would they do?"

"They would have come after me, that's for sure. That's why I had to leave, so you won't become collateral damage and that's why I lived in some non-description hotel, so it wouldn't be too easy for them to find me."

"And how does it make any sense, Beckett?" asked Castle "We are talking about the same Loksat, right? Organization that killed the former senator in a maximum protected penitentiary facility. Took out a whole AG team in a blink of the eye. Started a shootout in the very precinct you work in. Staged murder of a prosecutor as a suicide. What on earth could have stopped them from killing you anyway they want and everywhere they want?"

"I'm not a rookie, Castle" objected Beckett, "I know how to defend myself. They won't be the first people trying to get rid of me and I'm still here, putting them in a jail on a daily basis".

"And they most definitely might be the last persons trying and succeeding in putting you in the grave. You won't even see it coming, as your whole operation is based on the assumption that they don't know. Do you expect any memo from them that they are aware and are coming after you? Or Vikram has some magic alert app that will activate when someone in New York says, that it is time to take Beckett out?"

Sensing that the question is mostly rhetoric and not wanting to bring Vikram into the conversation, Beckett preferred not to answer and let Castle continue.

"Have you ever thought what would your death do to us; to your father, to me, to Alexis, to the guys? Do you think it would have made us proud, that you decided to run barehanded against a train? Have you stopped for a second to consider how it would made us feel the understanding, that going on the crusade was much more important to you, than all of us? That nothing we all could have together can compare to your thirst of revenge?"

It was starting to be too much for Beckett and she tried to intervene, but Castle stopped her.

"Or have you thought that out of grief, pain and loss we all would decide to continue your investigation? How does it stand with your desire to keep us out of the loop and away from danger?"

"I think it's enough, Castle" almost pleaded Beckett, "I admit that I didn't think it thru in all these great details".

"I'm almost finished, Beckett", replied Castle" there is just the last point".

His tone didn't suggest anything less painful, so Beckett prepared herself to the final blow.  
"Let's assume that you appear to be quite elusive for them. Or that Loksat wants to be itentionally cruel to you to drive its point. Won't it be logical for them to try and find leverage against you."

"You do realize, that it was the first thing I have thought about? That's exactly why I left and sentenced myself to self-induced hell" she said angrily.

"Then how do you see this particular conversation between Loksat and their lieutenants about finding a leverage on you?"

"I'm pretty sure that you will enlighten me right now" surrendered Beckett to her fate.

"Well of course I will" agreed Castle undeterred and continued in a darker voice:

"Where are we with that evasive captain of the 12th?"

He changed then his voice again:

"We still can't find her boss. She is at the 12th everyday, but we are not able to find out where she comes from or where she goes to"

"There should be a way to stop her, right? Everyone has a weakness and we should use hers."

"It doesn't seem that she has any weaknesses, boss"

"How is it possible? Isn't she married to that author?'

"Yes, she is. But she isn't leaving with him for months, so I don't think she gives any crap about him. In fact, she might even be in advantage if we kill him. She will inherit a huge amount money from him which will help her to propel the investigation into us further".

"What about her father?"

"She doesn't seem to be very connected to him. They meet once in a month. Might be she is doing it out of obligation"

"Crap. What about her team? They should be close. If I'm not mistaken, they helped her to arrest Bracken"

"I'm afraid it's a dead end again. She hasn't shared any information with them. Besides, she got promoted over them and they can hold animosity towards her. They can't be counted as leverage as well".

"Then this is it. We should either wait until she comes after us or pack our stuff and leave for some non-extradition country".

Castle paused and asked in his normal voice: "Were these the reasons why you thought that leaving us would keep as safe?"


	8. Chapter 8

After Castle drove home his last point they sat in silence for several minutes, each in their thoughts, too drained out to move or to speak. This time it was Beckett, who broke the silence:

"Some things that you said are too far-stretched, Castle, but mostly you are right about the whole situation. I didn't think too thoroughly about everything before I left and later I didn't went thru it again, afraid that it will weaken my resolve and will to continue the investigation. At the same time it looks that you have had enough time to ponder on it in great details. When did you find out what was I up to?"

"3 months, I think" replied Castle thoughtfully.

That was unexpected.

"3 months, Castle" asked Beckett disbelievingly, "then why didn't you confront me earlier with it? And you never told me how did you learn about it anyway?"

"I'll answer the second question first" was Castle's response, "it was just good old-fashioned PI work."

"You had someone following me?" raised Beckett her voice.

"Actually, following after my wife was pretty disturbing experience in itself. I couldn't bring myself to worsen it, asking Hayley to do it. So, I did it all myself".

"Now you are full of it" replied Beckett, "I always checked to see that nobody is tailing me. In fact, I remember throwing you off my tail just after the three blocks several months ago".

"You are right about it, but I got wiser with the time. I started to wait for you not near the precinct, but the block where I lost you the last time. I changed the cars everyday and followed you only for several blocks, so I wouldn't raise any suspicions. Of course, there were days, when you stayed at the precinct or you drove to hotel in different routes, that's why it took me nearly a month to find out where were you staying."

"OK, you found my hotel. What was next?"

"I waited for you near the motel the following days to make sure that this is the place you are staying at and that you weren't there for some ongoing case. I was surprised to see Vikram on the second day arriving to the hotel. He greeted the receptionist, took his key and went up, apparently, to his room. It became obvious that he was regular there and that two of you were living in the same hotel. It left me with only two possible explanations."

Horror colored Beckett's face, when she thought about one of those explanations. " You know that I would never cheat on you, Castle, right?" asked she, trying to see in his features if he believed her.

"Actually I ruled that scenario out after little pondering. I thought that you wouldn't be so cruel and would have told me outright about it, if it was the case".

Beckett sighed in relief, but Castle wasn't finished yet.

"But I was scared by the fact, that after little more thinking I found out that I wouldn't that easily throw off that option away, if the guy's name wasn't Vikram Singh, but, for example, Derrick Shawn".

Castle's thinly hid implication touched Beckett's nerves:

"Really, Castle?" she asked furiously, "you can't forever hold against me something, that occurred years ago. And it wasn't cheating. It was.."

"I know what it was" Castle interrupted her, "I have heard that explanation several times. Still, I was disturbed by the fact, that I yet have to get rid off the insecurities I possess. I thought I was done it. Besides, just agreeing with myself that you won't have some extracurricular activities with Vikram, but could do it with someone else put some shallow and even racist colors on my image. Pretty unpleasant feeling, I might tell you."

Can this whole thing turn out even worse, thought Beckett. Her head was spinning and she didn't know how to stop it all from happening.

"What was your other explanation?", she decided to redirect the conversation, not wanting to dwell on this particularly dangerous and disturbing topic.

"Loksat, of course", answered Castle simply. "Since you didn't seem to clue Rysposito in either and the fact that Vikram appeared in our lives and in the 12th after Loksat's involvement, it was the only explanation I could come with. Now I was able to bring Hayley in, cause following him wasn't disturbing to me at all. It took her only 4 days to confirm my suspicions."

"Then why didn't you come to confront me?" asked Beckett, marveling at the lengths her husband came thru to find the truth and not understanding, why he didn't seem to bother to put her to the interrogation earlier.

"Oh, I did" said Castle and his growl was very unnerving, "or, to be more precise, I intended to. I was so outraged. I wanted to lash out, to break something in your office, to make you see that there is no Universe in this life, where your actions could be justified. I made it from my office to the precinct in a record time, breaking all the possible traffic rules and run up the stairs to the homicide floor".

"I don't remember such an episode", interjected Beckett, "why didn't you do all the things that you came for? Was I out of precinct?"

"No, you were in the office. And the tech from the narcotics department was standing in front of it, knocking the door".

"And he stopped you from plunging in?"

"No," answered Castle, "you did."

"How?" asked puzzled Beckett.

"You were laying on the sofa in your office and you invited him in with the nod of your foot in a four-inched heel."

"So? I don't understand.." urged him Beckett to continue.

"I admit, that I haven't seen too many precinct captains during their work, but I don't recall any single circumstance, when Montgomery or Gates would have greeted somebody, while laying in the office. I don't know if you did it intentionally, so he would be at ease and would tell you everything you needed or you didn't think it thru at all. But it downed on me at that same exact moment that you are quite content and quite happy with where you are and what you are doing."

"That's it, Castle?" asked Beckett, not really comprehending, why it seems to him to be very important, "that's what got you stopped and vanishing from the radar for months?"

"Yes, Beckett, it is" replied Castle, "I thought, what right do I have to demand from you to make me happy in the way I want, if you are already at that place for yourself."

"It's not true, Castle" started Beckett, "walking out on you was the worst thing in my life. I just had to do it to keep you safe".

"No, it's not" disagreed Castle, "staying with me and leaving Loksat to be or finding another way to go after it was the worst option for you. Your actions spoke to that."


	9. Chapter 9

This time, again, it was Beckett who broke the silence:

"So, what did you do after finding out why I have left you, but decided against confronting me about it in the precinct? Have you planned to speak to me about all of this at some point?"

"Of course I did", replied Castle, "but I had to clear my head. There were so many opposite desires and thoughts running thru me, that I couldn't concentrate. I walked several hours after leaving the precinct that day. Ultimately I have decided that our safety issue should be addressed first".

"And?' inquired Beckett.

"I concluded that the threat to my family, if Loksat gets wind of your activities is quite substantial. I gathered Alexis, mother and Hayley in my office the next day and explained them everything that I thought was going on".

"How did they take it?" asked Beckett, wanting to know Castle's family's take on her after the disastrous disclosure.

"Pretty much in stride", replied Castle. "They weren't really surprised. Mildly disappointed, I guess. Like they were expecting something of sort. They were more interested in what does it mean for us and what we should do about it. We discussed several options, even hiring a security company to follow us, but ruled it out, because not knowing when this would it end it would graze on everybody's nerves, this constant presence of other people in our lives. In the end we just connected all our phones to Hayley's computer and are sharing with her our daily schedule every morning. If computer alerts Hayley that someone's phone's location doesn't concur with his or her route then she makes sure, if everything is OK."

"That's it, Castle", Beckett was puzzled, "you thought that there is a possible danger and you took care about your family only? It doesn't sound like you".

"Well, I couldn't ask your father about his daily schedule, because then I would have had to explain him what's going on. So, I decided to ask Hayley to just hack his phone and if your father went out of his home-work-home routine, then she would intervene. Luckily, Jim is a man of habit and he was out of his usual routes only two times over these three months. Hayley called him with some silly surveys on climate change and education. Everything appeared to be fine both that times".

"What about Esposito and Ryan?'

"I figured that we would be easier targets for Loksat, if any need of leverage would arise, so Ryan and Espo would be the last ones they would turn to. After all, they are armed detectives and taking them would be much more difficult, than Jim or me. Besides, they are your team and it's not my place to explain them the new developments."

Beckett mulled it over for couple of minutes: "I can see how this could be a way to minimize the risks. What I don't understand is why you didn't come out sooner to me with all of this? Wouldn't it be right to push me to the more rational path, as you see it, months ago?"

"Of course I wanted to do it," replied Castle slowly, "but more I thought about it the less I liked the idea".

"Why is that?" asked Beckett

"Well, first of all, I wasn't in the right place at the beginning. If I came to you in those first days, it would have been ugly. I would have done it with all the guns drawn out. I was crazy furious and I would make it a mess. So, I had to get my head straight first."

"And how did you do it?" asked Beckett intrigued.

"Nothing very innovative. I was just thinking. A lot. Actually, thinking and talking a lot."

"Whom with?"

"There aren't too many people with whom I could discuss such delicate issues. Mother, Alexis, Hayley and.."

"Let me guess," intervened Beckett, a bit sarcastically, "and Angela?"

"What can I say," answered Castle casually, "she appeared about the same time. And our situations weren't all that different. Plus, she.."

"Are you comparing me with a wannabe murderer, Castle?" interjected Beckett angrily, "and you say that I am out of line?"

"You are forgetting that drama queen role in this family is already taken, Beckett" smiled Castle easily, "and yes, I'm referring to my mother and not to the person sitting in the front of you, as you could otherwise think". Then he continued more seriously: "Of course it's not about wanting to kill your spouse per se. It's about the change of attitude towards him or her. How in the span of months or couple of years one go from loving and sharing to hating and keeping secrets. No man is an island, right? So, it should be something that she or I had done to guarantee these changes. Were we too clingy or too indifferent? Did we become too settled and content in the current bubble and missed the need for change from the other side?"

"It disturbs me when you refer to yourself and Angela as we, like you are an item", jumped in Beckett, when Castle took a little pause to make a couple gulps of his beer, "can you stop doing it?"

"Sure," said Castle, "I was just trying to explain why I didn't find anything outrageous in sharing some parts of my problems with her."

"And I've got your point," replied Beckett, "so there is no need to mention her so often".

"Agreed," answered Castle and continued. "As I looked back to our relationship and some crucial milestones we have faced together I found out, that I shouldn't be surprised at all and that both our behaviors in those moments should have naturally brought us, at some point, to the current situation".

"What do you mean?" asked Beckett, mildly afraid that they are coming yet to another crucial moment, as Castle put it, of their conversation.

"Think about it. No matter what the state of our relationship was – we were friends, then partners, then dating, then engaged and, finally, married – there was always a choice, a decision, that you had to make and you always made it unilaterally, basing on your own thoughts and conclusions of what is right for you."

"For me?" asked Beckett incredulously, "I wanted you to be safe and alive, that's why I left. You don't know how it broke my heart everyday to be away from you and yet I struggled with my feelings everyday to be sure that you are out of danger".

"I am not a child, Beckett. Well, most of the time," answered Castle without raising his voice, "and I'm not going to venture in all those moments I'm talking about, because this is about a common pattern and not particular situations. The other common thing is my reaction to all those moments. I, generally, accepted your decisions every time, with mild tantrums here and there. So, I figured that I should have seen this coming and shouldn't be surprised at all by your actions."

"I don't get it, Castle," Beckett began tentatively, "are you saying that you are not mad at me?"

"No, not anymore" answered Castle simply.

"Does it mean that we are OK now and that we can start repairing damage I have inflicted on us?" asked Beckett hopefully.

"Nope," replied Castle, dashing her hopes with a click of a tongue, "that's not what I have actually meant".


	10. Chapter 10

"Then what are you saying, Castle?" asked Beckett, "cause I'm feeling officially out of the loop right now".

"Forgive me for this lengthy and possibly confusing prelude, Beckett", began Castle. "What I mean, is that I'm truly sorry for my previous reactions to your solely made decisions in the matters that vitally influenced our relationship. I now consider them to be rather poor. Undoubtedly, they are part of the reasons that guaranteed this, yet another, pretty painful turning point for us."

Beckett was puzzled: "Why do you call them poor, Castle? That's one of our strongest virtues - to have each others back, right?"

"Right and wrong. Both. At the same time," answered Castle, "In fact, it did more damage, than benefitted us, in the long run".

"How so?"

"Because for you it made my opinion not important. Or not welcomed, if there were any chances that it would differ from what you would like to hear. Worst of all, it made it redundant, cause, in the end, I would have always accepted it, whether I liked it or not".

"So, we are coming again to the point, when you make me sound and act like uncaring and pig-headed witch?" demanded Beckett.

"I merely state the facts as I see them from my side", Castle was non disturbed, "And, I'll repeat myself here, that I am us much to blame for it as you. After all, when having a hard choice to make, why wouldn't one go with the path, that was previously used several times and always brought positive results in the end".

"If we are both to blame, then why I still look like an ass and you come out as some sort of a martyr?"

"That's not my intention, Beckett" replied Castle

"Then what is it, Castle", asked Beckett, "because I'm trying to understand where all this build-up is taking us and I still don't understand"

"What I'm trying to say is that I can't and I won't go on like this. I refuse to play Lois Lane to your Clark Kent. Don't get me wrong – the whole idea is pretty fascinating and in other time and under different circumstances I would be crazy about it; more so that you would have to wear glasses, which would be sexy as hell; but not now and not anymore. With this level of distrust towards you it's simply impossible."

"You don't trust me, Castle?" asked appalled Beckett.

"Sure I do," answered Castle, "in particular areas. I know that I can trust you with my money or my life. I have no doubt that you would sacrifice yours to spare mine. But in the more important department, the one that includes our marriage – no, I don't. I came up lately with one stupid hypothetical scenario – what would you do, if you found out that you are pregnant, while you are going full armor against Loksat. Would you tell me about it; and when, if you would decide in favor of it? More that that, is it quite unreasonable to suggest that you could find it impossible to keep the baby considering the current circumstances and dangers you are facing? Would you tell me about it, if that's was the case or I would have found out about it incidentally, just like it already happened with us several times. Say, you would miss your regular check and the clinic would call me, when they wouldn't be able to get a hold of you."

Castle paused, but Beckett wasn't able to fill it with her words of objection or rationale. Her head was spinning, a lot of thoughts swirling in it simultaneously and she couldn't decide with which one to go first. She was ill-prepared to this all-cards-out conversation. When she knocked the door earlier in the evening, she envisioned a hard talk and was ready to open up a bit of pieces of information, which could be a base, a start of a bridge that would eventually bring them together. But this discussion wasn't anything she expected. Of course, she has mulled over most of the topics Castle has touched, but not in this type of full capacity as Castle's has done. Mostly, because they were pretty disturbing and she preferred to put them aside and address them when the necessity would arise and she wasn't ready for it to happen today.

Aware of the inner turmoil Beckett was having, Castle still continued his last thought, undeterred: "There is no need to argue that it is your body, your life and you should be the one to make the ultimate decision on keeping the baby or not. At the same time, still hypothetically, it would have been our baby, so I should have had my say in the matter, before the final decision was made. Sadly, I found out that I can't completely rule out the possibility, that you would have made the decision without letting me know about it. So, no, I don't trust you where our marriage is concerned and it says a lot about the current state of our relationship".

"That why all of this masquerade?" Beckett finally found her voice, "Why not serve me the divorce papers earlier, if you have already made your choice?"

"First of all, because I needed time to prepare myself to the worst possible outcome."

"I don't see multiple outcomes here. Not when you have already decided everything for both of us," interjected Beckett.

"I haven't decided anything for both of us, Beckett", answered Castle, still surprisingly unemotional," I have only decided on my own actions, depending on the choices that you will make".

"What choices do I have here, Castle," Beckett started to feel agitation, which was much more better that nothingness, that have encompassed her during the last 15 minutes of conversation, "because all I see now is divorce papers in the air".

"Please, understand this, Beckett", Castle's voice showed emotion possibly for the first time during the evening. It made Beckett to lean forward and listen as intently as possible, because she understood that this was the most important part of his say. "I love you. I fiercely do. And I don't doubt that you love me as well. But we both know that love only isn't always enough. If I can not make you happy the way you want me to – by not interfering and accepting any choice you make, even the unilateral ones; and you can't make me happy in the way I need – with sharing, being honest about everything, even when my opinion wouldn't be in your favor; then we'd better part our ways now, when its still possible to keep some kind of friendship and mutual respect".

It dawned on Beckett that if there was an "if", then it meant that they have another option as well, but Castle continued, without giving her a chance to ask what was it.

"I know that I promised you always and it implies in itself that I would take anything you throw my way and will keep us going, but it absolutely clear for me that I can't take it anymore. It almost killed me inside on numerous occasions, making me doubt everything and I refuse to go on like this."

"I understand all that, Castle," answered Beckett, "I really do. I felt myself guilty even before I walked out of the door. Still I'd prefer to address it later and right now I would like to listen what other option do we have, because you said "if"."

"It's simple. We try again. With no secrets whatsoever this time. I mean big, important secrets that concern both of us".

"You would still like to do that?" Beckett was puzzled. Nothing that was said or done during the evening could lead her to believe that they still have a chance.

"Of course I do, Beckett" answered Castle, "because I know that we can fly. I've seen and felt it almost all the time. Obviously, not counting the last six months".

"I,," Beckett was at a loss for the words," I don't know what to say, Rick. I'd really like that. Screw it, that's the only thing that I want with whole of my heart".

"Don't thank me yet, Beckett" interjected Castle. His refusal to call her by name, even when she called him Rick, indicated that she was not of the woods yet. "It comes with terms and I don't think you would like them that much".

In for a penny, in for a pound, Becket thought: "Sure, Rick, I'm listening".

"To be happy again together we need to trust each other again. I need to trust you again. And building the kind of relationship we have had before will take long time and enormous efforts. Frankly, I'm not sure, which choice would be easier to make and follow through."

"Your level of distrust is quite frightening. Why don't you think that we can pull this new start off?"

"Because I already envision how suspicious I would become every time you will be late from work or will be taking your phone to another room to have a conversation".

"Then I will explain to you the reasons I'm late and will try to answer the phone somewhere near you, when I'm home".

"And how healthy is that for a relationship to take a phone and run to me, so I would be able to listen to your conversation? Besides, I don't think I will be trusting easily to everything you would say. Eventually, any sense of guilt you may or may not be feeling would vaporize. You will start to feel that I'm restraining and limiting you and all the pent up emotions at some point would blow in our faces".

"Do you have such a little faith in us that you'd prefer us not even to try?" Beckett's head was spinning. The conversation has already made so many U-turns in the span of the minutes that she wasn't sure anymore, if Castle has already made his choice or not.

"No," answered Castle, "I'm not saying we couldn't or shouldn't try. I'm simply stating the major difficulties we would face, when choosing this particular path. But there is more than that. If we are going to start something together again, then you will have to stop your Loksat investigation."


	11. Chapter 11

"What?" Beckett was now really annoyed, "I HAVE TO stop the investigation?"

Surely she anticipated that Castle would ask some sort of concessions from her regarding her investigation, but this clear demand from him was nothing she has seen coming. Shouldn't he know her better that that?

Still Castle repeated undeterred, as if nothing major has happened: "Yes, if we are going to give us a try, then you should stop your investigation".

It seemed that his boldness was the last straw that broke Beckett's patience which was wearing thin for hours.

" Really, Castle?" she started angrily, "what else should I do? Would you like me to bring you breakfast in the bed every morning and wait you in the apron and slippers at 6:05 in the evening, when you are back from work, so Bracken wouldn't taunt you from the beyond with his impeccable take on happy marriage? Just don't forget to let me know me that you are going to be late, so I'll keep the dinner in the oven."

"Yeah," chuckled Castle, "not my finest moment. I still don't understand, why I've got riled up so easily with his words".

"You are self-sufficient woman" he continued more seriously, "you like your job and you are very, very good at what you do. I think I was in the wrong place at that moment, that's why I reacted so badly. I would never think, even less so to suggest, that you should stop doing your job that brings so much purpose and satisfaction to your life".

"Then why did you start doing it now?" asked Beckett less sternly, coming down from her highs of the previous minutes.

"Because it's not your job, Beckett" said Castle, "Does anybody know about your investigation? Was anything you did sanctioned by anyone from 1PP? You do realize the dangers not only to your rank, but to your whole career in the police, if someone gets even a whiff about it?"

"Of course I do, Castle" replied Beckett, "I'm not a rookie. That's why I'm so careful and the things go slow. So far nobody knows about it. Besides, this is not my first off-duty investigation and you know very well about that. If I recall correctly, everything turned out pretty successful the last time."

"We were very lucky to find the cassette in the front of the FBI agents last time. Otherwise, we would have been both in jail right now. Along with Ryan and Esposito. Plus, how anything you will dig will stand in the court of law, if it was found illegally? Or you don't plan to give them a chance in the court, where highly paid lawyers could earn them lenience?"

"I'm not a vigilante, Castle" Beckett stated irritatingly, "as you are trying to paint me. Everything will be arranged according to law, once we will find enough evidence."

"I have already laid out my reasons why I don't see anything good coming out of this. But it's refreshing to know that you have everything under control and all my fears are completely unreasonable" replied Castle, loosing his cool probably for the first time during the evening.

His mocking remark reignited the fire in Beckett:

"Don't go all sarcastic on me, Castle. Since when have you stopped to believe in my ability to solve the case? More than that, since when you don't believe in luck or fate anymore, which helped us, as you put it, to throw Bracken behind the bars?"

"It happened when I realized that you don't change. Situations change, circumstances change, but your reaction to them is always the same. It was thing to chase after Maddox with only Esposito as your backup. Wrong move, which could have brought you both to death, but it can be attributed to the spur of the moment – you thought he could disappear any moment, so there wasn't too much time to rationalize. But now? No hurry, because Locksat, most likely, would be in the same place in months to come. And many more people's lives at stake, but you still decide that your personal need of justice is more important."

"I'm not reckless, Castle. I'm six months into investigation and nobody's life has been jeopardized, because I'm careful," began Beckett, "And you knew me all too well even before we got together. I feel responsible for their deaths, so I can't stop investigation, knowing it was my fault, my search that got them killed. Who would I be without owing them their justice till the end?"

"Then don't," inserted Castle quietly.

"How can I carry my badge, knowing that my actions triggered the disaster than happened to my former team and not doing anything about it?" continued Beckett, before stopping in her track, "What do you mean, don't?"

"If you can't live in peace with yourself without this investigation, then don't stop it," replied Castle. "Just try to be careful. And please, let the guys know about it. Whether they will become part of it or won't – it's for them to decide. But they should know about the possible dangers they are facing".

"And you?" asked Beckett puzzled, not expecting Castle to surrender so easily, "will you help me with it?"

"No", answered Castle simply.

"That's it? Just plain no?" Beckett was fuming, "no further elaborations? You will just let me be on my own?"

"Yes, Beckett" replied Castle, "I will just let you be. History shows, that the cases that are vital to you or me are eventually catching with us. That will mean it is time to get our hands in it. So, no, I never stopped to believe in fate or karma. But if you want to go after it now, then we are parting our ways. This time, for good."

Beckett felt numb: "How can you say it so easily, Castle?" she asked weakly, "when it feels to me that my world is crushing down".

"It became easier with time," explained Castle honestly, "but then, I had three months to prepare myself to the possibility of our separation. You had none, so it weighs heavier on you."

When Beckett said nothing, he continued: "That's said, you can decide now or take your time, say, a month, and give me an answer on which path we are going to take".

 **I think this is an OK place to stop the story, so everyone can decide for themselves what Beckett's answer will be. But if there will be some review urge to not leave it undecided (doesn't matter to which side), then I can write 1 or 2 more chapters.**


	12. Chapter 12

When several minutes passes, with neither saying anything, Castle stood up and started to gather their glasses and bottles: "I'm tired. I guess it's time to call it a night."

"I don't think I will need a month to make a decision", began Beckett, making Castle to stop his movements.

"Not really surprising, right?" Castle thought to himself, turning to face Beckett, who was rising as well, and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"But I'm not ready to give you the answer right away," she continued, "I need to ask you some questions. Is it OK?"

"Of course, Beckett," replied Castle, "whenever you are ready".

"And you are right," said Beckett, "we are both tired. Let's save it for tomorrow."

"Sure" agreed Castle easily.

"Can I stay here tonight?" asked Beckett.

"You don't have to ask me about it, Beckett", replied Castle, "this is still your home".

"But what about you, Rick?" ventured Beckett, "Are you OK with me staying here?"

"It's really up to you," answered Castle, "I can call you a car, if you want to go or you can stay in the guestroom. It's for you to decide."

"And what if I say, that I want to sleep in our bedroom?" ventured Beckett farther.

"That's OK too," replied Castle, "but I have to warn you, that it's a little messy in there due to my earlier escapades. I didn't expect any guests."

"I don't have any problems with a mess. I'm really tired and just want to go to sleep".

"It's settled then," said Castle, while taking the glasses and bottles to the kitchen. Then he proceeded to their bedroom and came out a minute later with some clothes and a toothbrush.

"What are you doing?" asked Beckett, slightly puzzled.

"Going to bed" replied Castle and started climbing the stairs that led to the second floor of the loft, where their guestroom was.

"You aren't staying with me?" Beckett felt somewhat insulted.

"Nope," said Castle, "nothing is clear between us and spending night together isn't going to fix anything"

"I don't want to throw you out of your bedroom, Castle" began Beckett, but Rick interrupted her.

"It's really OK, Beckett' he said, "you were out for quite a long time. A bit of familiarity won't hurt you. Good night." With that he disappeared from her view and seconds later she heard the click of the guestroom door. That left no room for further arguments, so she grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and headed to the bedroom. Alone again; at least, this time, she was in her home and that was a positive change.

Although Castle was exhausted from his daily activities (he really started to drink quite early in the day) and several hours of conversation with Beckett, he wasn't able to sleep right away. As much as he has planned the confrontation with his wife, he wasn't ready to do it on their anniversary, that's why he lost his cool couple of times during their talk. Beckett's uncanny ability to show up at his most vulnerable condition fueled his anger even further in these late night hours.

Previously he saw it as her in-tuned sense of "them" to step up and put effort right on time to save their relationship. Now? It felt as just not-welcomed intrusion to throw him off his game, when he was putting his last ducks in the row to be prepared for the conversation, which would have decided the future of their relationship. Or the lack of it. Logically, he knew, that it wasn't an elaborate plan from her side to come in today and catch him "unarmed", still he couldn't help but feel that way. Still, he ticked in his head all the things he wanted to say to her and came up with very few shortages.

The ball was on her court and it was her decision to make. He wouldn't bet more than ten dollars, that her decision would be favorable for their marriage; even less, that she will be able to keep her promises, if it would. Nevertheless, everybody deserved the benefit of doubt; and his wife – no less than others. He tried to imagine his own reaction to both of her possible answers and felt, that he was more or less ready for both of them. With that he finally relaxed, started to count penguins, sliding to the water from the snow covered uphill, and was asleep when he reached thirty second one.

Beckett couldn't sleep right away as well. Unlike Castle, she wasn't prepared to this conversation at all. She expected him to be furious or depressed or anything between. She was ready to explain in very vague terms her decision to walk out; just enough to make him understand and be willing to wait, until the case will be finished. What she didn't expected, it's his knowledge about her reasons and the lack of emotion from his side, when he practically dissected all the emotional and logical flaws of her decision, right in front of her.

After the initial shock, when Castle told her that he knows about her investigation of Locksat, she chose not to justify herself and her actions much and just accept everything he has to say to her. There were things she could refute; there were also things, that she could admit at least to herself, in the dark of the room, that she didn't think through and that seemed reckless (if not unforgivable). The latter issues were her top priority now. Check Vikram, tell or not tell the boys about the investigation, continue or not continue to chase the Locksat.

And the most important thing – can she win back Castle. Or should she even try? She was always an independent woman and didn't do ultimatums very well. Montgomery caught her in the archive? She copied the documents and continued investigation until she realized, that she's falling in the rabbit hole and stopped all by herself. Will offered her to accompany him to Boston? He packed his things the same day and she didn't see him until the case of the kidnapped girl. Castle walked out on her before she went after Maddox? Well, she caved after that one. Escaping the death just narrowly can do that to a man or woman. Not to mention, that it appeared to be not a very smart move as the case literally blew out in their faces the very next day. Besides, back then it was heart-broken and tearful Castle. This new, hard-edged and stone-faced Castle? She doesn't know how to deal with him. She loves him, there is no doubt in that, but she always had the upper hand, when it came to the important decisions in their relationship and, later, in their marriage.

If she gives in to his ultimatum (not a plea anymore), will he start to use it as a leverage in their arguments in the future? How long it will take to win his trust back, so he would be again the carefree and child-like man, she loves so much; which will be happy just because they are together?

On top of that, a new stream of questions started to whirl in her head: is it even OK, that she has thoughts like that? Does it make her egotistical in love, incapable to freely give, without waiting something in return? Answers to these questions were floating somewhere in her mind, but she finally succumbed to sleep, before she was able to grasp and feel them


End file.
